Dear Tour day Frantz,

After last year’s snoozer, I opted out of watching this year’s big pharmacology exhibit only to find out later on that it was pretty good, and apparently clean.  Kudos to you for that.  Still, it’s 3 weeks of lycra, carbon fiber and the best roads France’s road crews can muster.  I have some suggestions to make it more funner for us Ugly Americanos.

1.  Time trials.  Ditch all but one of them.  (For the record, the TTT is the worst of the bunch.  Nobody watches that crap.)  The one you keep should be a repeat of the Giro.  Uphill.  On gravel.

2.  Replace the dearly departed time trials with 2 stages that make the racers uncomfortable.  A fixed-gear cyclocross stage and maybe a crit on cheap 3-speed city bikes, for example.

3.  Racers must fix their own flats and carry the tools and parts to do so.  This includes a spare sew-up or tube (for those smart enough realize that tubulars are obb-sew-leet) and a frame pump.  No mini-pumps or CO2.  This ensures that racers do an occasional upper body workout.

4.  No team cars following the peloton.  Outside support can only be provided at designated controls.

5.  The broom wagon travels at a designated speed and does not stop.  If a racer gets passed by the broom wagon, he’s out.  There are no exceptions to this rule.  Keep this in mind whilst contemplating rules number 3 and 4.

6.  At least one stage must be the “doping” stage.  They don’t get to take whatever they want.  Rather, several different drug cocktails are randomly distributed in a double blind fashion.  During the stage, spectators place bets on who took what.  The stage winner is allowed to take whatever he wants in the next stage.  Everyone else has to pee in a cup so that the bets can be decided.

7.  Devil take the hindmost.  Regardless how many were caught by the broom wagon or fell off a cliff, the very last finisher is out.  This ensures that the stage losers sprint like hell, too.

Anyway, if you need any further assistance implementing these changes, the WWE should be able to provide a consultant.

Sincerely,

the Sloth

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